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im just trying,

I had piano at 12pm. Right after school. And, i think thats where i started being... depressingly numb? I dont know... you know. my usual piano day is thursday, its just, tomoro got geography afternoon class so, had to change.. i didnt really practiced my piano Beyer Two book, and i kinda sucked... i think teacher a bit frust. justnow. cause i kept on makin the same dumb mistakes...

I felt so numb you know. You know how that feels? When actually, you know what the music notes are, but, youre just sitting there, looking at it, thinking whats it, but at the same time, not really thinking... just... staring... it sucked. arghh....

12.45pm way back home... i stayed quiet i guess. Then got home, wahh, not yet parking, saw it... straight away pissed... -_____- when straight room... dumped the stupidly heavy bags on the bed, and grab my ipod, which was right by my bedside cause i was listening to it before sleeping last night around 11.45pm... i had it on non-shuffle mode on Varsity Fanclub. haha. Love (:

Tucked out shirt... went toilet... took my plant...out of toilet... opened my window beside my study table and placed it outside fo a bit of sun... and cool-ness. It was raining beautifully. The type where its rainning, but the sky's still a perfect clear baby blue... and isnt even those days when its sunny when rainning, when outside very yellow-ish and stuffs... the type people would say is unhealthy to be under the rain... no... it was perfect.

It wasnt crazy heavy rain, sky was soft blue, and the wind was... ow, perfect. Nice, smooth, very cool, but not scary cold... just kept swooshhing my hair. HAHA. so i sat on the floor next to the window, and also next to my plant which i just put out on the window, leaned on my cabinet, and of course left the window open, turned my ipod louder and stared at the sky with the wind on my face.... yeahh, a typical, so lame way, fo me to relax... i always do these type of things... hey, honestly, just saying, if theres anyone in the house which knows how to relax, itd probably me.

So the rain was the background sound to every song. (: But... soon, even over the loudness of my ipod, i still hear the knock on my door, probably my father, calling fo lunch, of course... i paused fo a while... i didnt get up though, i stayed sitted, and theni stared out quietly at the sky again in silence, then i pressed play once more...

I probably finished around three or four more songs, 12 mins before i finally went out... i always do that... bad habit, i know... not coming straight away went called, but... cant help it... went kitchen... lunch was, a jolibee beef burger... there was actually porriage (sorry, sp? haha) but, didnt feel like eating porriage... i wasnt actually hungry... so the burger was just fine. I ate quietly... then so typically, my mother always have to kacau me... "See! So boring when she like this. No mood. When gila ; gila..." (refering to me being hyper around the house, as i said, im not how i am at school, at home, well, most of the time (:

She had to say say one oh. That way i say. My mum can really piss me off okay. I was already not in the mood. And everytime when she notice im not in the mood cause i wont talk... she have to go and say say. Like, ee! She always have to say it in that way. You know.. its just really bloody annoying bahh. Its basically almost like rubbing salt into a wound. She always have to be like that. All the time always. Pissed man... tears escaped again a bit.. i rubbed them away quick.. luckily, i didnt start sobbing... then she and my father went in... and i can finally eat in peace.... then... my dad's transport came... cause today he night shift offshore... it came earlier than expected, cause he said it would come at 2 smthg, but it was only about 1:30 or smthg la... so he came back in and said goodbye... and i watch the transport leave... well, only fo about 2 seconds, cause you cant really see anything from the kitchen table... So yeahh.... my mental typewriter wrote, "DAY 1, 1.34pm, dad left, home alone with mum. 1 week"

Sighs. My heart sank. After lunch.. i went back to my room... but, its not like i hide in here (im here now) all afternoon, after only like 5 mins i went back out, found my mum watching Hot Chick again, cause we were happily watching it together last night, till like 11.30pm, thats why i slept late.... Just, now, we got to the earlier part that we missed last night, but still not from the start... i sat there on the sofa opposite her's, laid down and watched the whole movie again with her... i laughed at some parts... she still didnt care me... so when it ended and she change channels, i went back to my room and just stayed there playing piano fo maybe an hour or so... etc etc... the rest of the afternoon was unimportant.... just didnt talk.

Then at night, ate dinner... blablabla, finished, stayed in the sitting room fo maybe 10 mins then went to room. And just, justnow at 9:00pm she just call from my door to give me my milk and ask whether i wanted to watch tv or not... cause got Im A Celebrity ; Get Me Outta Here, we usually watch... but i just said no and took my cup of milk in... its still here, im not done drinking, busy typing, this... so.. now, its 9.39pm. its quiet outside so im pretty sure she's gone up... hm, maybe when im done with this, will just go out and watch the rest of the show.. its till 11, if im not wrong... and, i dont have any homework.... well, that needs to be handed in tomoro... so.. yeah... maybe this is where i should stop.

On Monday, on the way to school, late, as usual, listening to Izan (dj) on the radio... she read all those stuffies from articles etc... and said, "According to this article, writing in a journal or blogging about the things that bother you will really help." Then she went on and on being her usual self, "Hey, i, i write in a journal, ill be like, 'Dear journal, today blablabla' "

hahaha, i sensed she was dissing the whole thing. hahahha. i grinned. Izan rocks my bones (:

So, yeah, i guess thats why im here, maybe... i knew i needed like, therapy or some sort... and as much as this is extremely lame i mean, "pouring out youre feelings" blebleblabla... i mean, im goin like this -_______________-" just saying it, HAHA. but, i cant help myself at the same time.

You know, my mum would always be like, "Later i die then you know...ha, then you see how hard life is" and etc etc when she used to get mad and scold us or any of my siblings lastime, ... she doesnt exactly get ''mad'' much these days, as in, these years, or what what...

Or when shes just normal and just say say like, in a mother-way-of -being-manja, " If mama die, youll miss me or not."

You know? Doesnt anyone else's mothers say stuffs like these?

Of course the answer is yes la. =Yes, ill miss you, Yes, i know life will be hell without you in it.

But we dont answer those questions. Never. Cause they dont need to be said... and of course la... following the situation, i mean, when a mothers scolding, just kept your head down and shut your mouth right? And when shes like just like, affectionally or manja-like ask ask, in the second situation, itll be like, so... so.......... you know. you say it.

sighs. do you even get what im trying to say? maybe its too hard to explain, but, whatever... forget it.

But, in all situation, its not like i dont appreciate, or at all hate my mother, cause of course i dont.

And when she'll say to me, "Later i dont have, you lonely then you know" I cant help wondering if things were opposite, like, if i werent here, i know she'll be the one lonely. Cause my brothers 22, and my sis's 20, and of course im the youngest, coming 15, but still 14.... im the only one home all the time, cause the sibs are in bandar, and even when theyre home, they like goin out hanging with frens... but above all, by nature... wouldnt you say the youngest is always the closest to the parents cause you're like the last baby they've had?

But, im not saying this in a way like... "DONT HAVE ME YOU ALSO LONELY LAA!" or whatever. cause you just cant speak to a parent that way... its just wrong....

But, honestly, i dont know where im goin with this whole, stupidly long post...i guess,

i havent studied, i know i know, sighs, im working on that okay.

im slightly lonely,

but not really, cause this isnt the first time me and my mum are on silent mode... were not exactly frighting or whatever la, its just... silent mode... that why i said earlier; i prefer saying home alone with my dad... or not alone at home with my mum, must at least have my sister or brother to kept her company... cause im pretty sure she doesnt take well to loneliness.... but, if you were me... where in school youll never really be the one in the middle of a possy or gang or what what... and lastime since primary youll just keep to yourself cause you know you dont actually, really know anyone around you... you get used, and tend to even feel more comfortable being alone. but... i guess not really now, i have friends who would talk to me, and laugh with me, who'll be close with me... i would say ive come a long way... in primary, ppl used to think i was shy and quiet and dumb. cause i was.... but im not shy now, im just always quiet cause i have nothing to say... and sometimes... not speaking is way better... sometimes silence is more preferable.... but we should be all thankful we have good friend around us, i sure as hell am...

sighs. again, where the hell am i goin with this? err, i gotta learn howta stop ...

Ok. its 10.16pm. Oh, and i was wrong justnow, my mum was actually still outside, i heard the tv justnow, but now, im pretty sure she's gone up. So yeah, ill go watch some tv, i guess. then back to room fo all the arranging books and brushing teeth, etc etc.

so to pull this to a close, ill like to say i hope none of you get me wrongly,

this was not computerly typed with hatred,

not at all.

im just trying to express myself, after all the times my mum would say if there was smthg wrong with me mentally. if i had autism. (one of my cousin has it) but we both know i dont. im not even close to acting like a person with autism. my social skills are just lower then mosts' i guess, but im normal. and she knows that, duhh,

she just cant help always making me feel bad,

sometimes,

fo some reason,

i dont think ill understand

anytime soon.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009,8:36 PM | comment | 0 comment(s)