So, I know I just skipped one day of school, which was Saturday, but seriously, I've never felt better. (:
Thurday was aight, really. Big shocker; Chemistry wasn't a jakass on thurday. I actually understood almost everything Mr.A was saying... and, without criticising him in my head and killing him over and over again. I even had 4 periods of Chem that day, compared to the usual 2 periods. That's cos our malay teacher's on holiday, and our subsitute didnt show up. Which was kinda great. Cos, honestly, I can't stop feeling uncomfortable around her, ever since last year. Or more, ever since I started failing her class, and then miraculously getting an A for PMB.Someone didnt understand my surprise and joy at that time upon receiving my results, and basically asked me to shut my mouth up, when I went on and on about it and wtf wtf wtf-ing. Well, well. I realised a while back, that that's cos she wasn't the one i cried in front of.
Hmm. I remembered. Getting three terms' test papers, failing, fail, failed. I slowly slowly dropped til i reach a minumum of 45marks, like that. With me, feeling i did better, after each of the exams. So yeah, can't you empathise with me? Thinking you definitely did better on this one, cos you actually put effort in studying it, but then no, it ends up you did worse. And this happened for three, straight terms. Its like being punched in the face, really. And for my final last year, the exam before PMB, nothing changed. Things just got worse. So I broke down. I was desperate. I thought, and really believed I did better, that I did my best. But it just ends up me fcking it up even more. So can't you understand my panic at that time. It was just a month before the big bad PMB, where I had to get at least 60marks, and I was still getting 45marks. I was frustrated and sad and annoyance that I couldn't do it. I was pissed and confused about why, exactly I couldnt do it. Cos' i remembered, lastime, I used to never even touching my book before malay exams, and yet i got through with 60+, sometimes even approaching near 70. But the thing was, I didn't mind. I didnt mind get 60 or 65 or 67 or 61 or 62 or 69. I didnt mind. It was good enough for me. I wasnt at all a fan of the subject, just passing was fine with me. But then, I suddenly started studying, cos it was PMB, and I knew i should at least try doing my best. Then I get this downfall. How do you think that feels. Hell, i even ended up buying malay story books to help me improve. And I had to force myself to read the hella boring stories. I had to force myself, to try, and change my perspective; that the subject was unimportant, and that I hated it. Cos im sure every student out there can agree, if you hate a subject, hold so much dislike towards it; you just won't be able to study it successfully.
It was a bllsht time. I just got more and more frustrated and crazy after each term... So, yeah. I was that surprised when I got my PMB results. I was that happy. I was that relieved. Hey, I don't think I even felt that relieved since.
But I guess I can't blame that certain someone anymore, since realising she was never really there. But to the person who was. The person who saw me at my lowest, and shameful moment. Who read my karangan. Who tried and keep my hopes up. And who... texted me after the results announcement, saying, "who said she didn't know malay huh." really made me smile and giggle... and... omg, im actually tearing up right now. HAHA. Unbelievable. But hey, she really is a good friend to me. Even if we're not the closest. HAHA, hey, here she comes chatting on msn. HAHA. Thing is, she has my love, my respect, and my gratitude. I'm glad I have a high spirited friend like her.
I think we've both been struggling with our studies a bit lately. And... weelll, she did see me cry about my chemistry last term. Haha, its like, i grew comfortable crying in front of her or smthg. And i keep doing it. HAHA.
And damn, now she's got me typing out this whole thing, rather than updating like i planned. Lol. And its kinda getting late. 10.26pm.
I was hoping to do a full update. I have lots to mention. To express, or whatever. (At risk of sounding cheezy). HAHA.
YES, I HAVE LOTS TO EXPRESS. FEELINGS TO EXXXPRESS. :D haha, but i guess, maybe not now.
So, just in conclusion; Thursday's 4 period chemistry, was, really, bearable. If not, kinda good. And I did a bit of chemistry today too. Homework. I haven't started properly revising, honestly. But I think I'm getting there. To the right mindset, youknow. To study. Haha. I guess you can say I sort of have high hopes for my finals. My previous Chem mark was 53. Yeah, from 80marks to 68marks to 53marks. Yes. It was a letdown for me. But this was different. Chemistry is different from last year's BM. Last term, I knew I messed up my chemistry. I took up way to much time for my paper 2. I hardly even started my section B, which was 30marks worth. I ending up only getting around 6 marks for it. Thing is, I did studied, hard and stayed up late, as always to finish studying it. Cos I wanted to improve my then 68mark. But then, I actually, sort of did improve. Teacher said getting a 30-above for sectionA was actually, quite good already. And I had achieved a 33. So yeah, it was an encouraging little fact. I know what i gotta do. Just keep studying, and really,really improve my time management. So, yeah, thats how its different from BM. I knew what i did wrong. There were no hopes to shatter.
So with BM final coming up, and me not sure at all whose marking it, (not that it really matters, really, i think) ... i'd be lying if I said I'm not nervous about that. Or that I'm not kinda scare. But really, I'm not saying anything bad about the teacher. She's a good teacher, I used to think she was the best possible. I still think that I guess...
Its just, I can't look her in the eye anymore. I can't and im not really sure why...
Ok, so i think this post really stretched itself long enough. HAHA. What kind of full update is this. HAHA. This is just me blabbering on and on... Well, at least now you know how my mind works. Haha. A mess really. My mind. A big, jumbled up mess.
Well, anyways. I'd like to dedicate (eseh! dedicate HAHA) this post to that friend who was there. Not that I believe she'll be reading this. But I think, people can definitely feel your emotions. Like being around sad people will make you sad. And being around crazy and psychotic people, will, well... make you a psycho too. Hehe.
So, maybe proper update tomorrow. Lol. I keep saying tomorrow, tomorrow tomorrow. But 'tomorrow' never actually comes. Well, I have to properly study anyways, so maybe, its better, for me, if 'tomorrow' never comes.
#younglove; Innocent, carefree & ignorant of the reality that deep down... people suck. Beyonce is pregnant. If I hear another prophecy about a baby being born in July I know who I'm going after... Taylor Swift & men #badcombo I won't comment on 'Whip My Hair' b/c I can't get over Will naming his daughter Willow. All I can think is 'Whomping Willow'. Whomp. Whomp.
Sunday, October 24, 2010,9:47 PM |
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A Little bit of Truth.
Tell me something. Tell me how you feel. What you want. Who you are. How you feel about people. What kind of people you wanna get to know. What kind of person are you. How you feel about... a certain person. Whether thoughts in your head about this certain person, are all admirable. All good. Whether you actually wanna get closer to this person, and maybe even... be friends. Tell me something thats real. Existant. True. 'Cos I'm not a toy, and i rather not be, even if it's gonna be your own, personal toy. I'm just not. The thing is, I'm confused. But then kind of happy, and flattered. And giddy and gleeful. All at the same time. However the other thing is, I don't think that I truly care, to be honest. I can't, really. I can't care about these kind of things any more. 'Cos you see, I lost a heart the day he left, and I can't get it back or have a new replacement. One body, one heart, I guess. The Rule. No refunds or exchanges. I know I might melt over you or go kinda crazy-ish over you... but even I don't believe myself, when i say, "Hey, I think I kinda like that guy." Its just a crush, really. Maybe not even a serious crush. Just...something even lesser. Mere admiration, maybe? I duno. I think, its just a tiny feeling. So... the situation I am in now. Well, i guess I would love to explain, but I don't really know how. Let's just say this; I used to be extreme-ly-ly insecure. I used to think it was one certain thing that made me pretty, like hair, or clothes or whatever. When I hear things, like things about admirers, etc, if it's of other people's, I would get jealous, if its of me, I would think someone was making fun of me. And then I'll go into self hatred mode. And start over thinking everything. Everything. I never could believe... anything like that could involve me. I only used to dream. You know, every young girl has the liberty to dream, no? But then, I became better, I guess you can say. I'm not saying I'm a confident btch or anything like that. In fact, I'm far, far from that. But when I say that I'm better now, what I'm trying to say is, I actually have some kind of belief in myself. Less self hatred. And yes, I said 'less' not 'none.' Things still get unbearable at times. Most of the times. What can I do, right? I duno. I guess hearing sweet things from people over the years helped. But that was years, like 3 or 4 years. And its only 'helped' not 'cured.'
But to get to the point, I'm a lot better of a person, in the sense of being comfortable with myself than I was... hell, even 10 months ago. I duno, really. Maybe being a senior at school adds confidence? Maybe having more friends, made me feel more wanted? But then again, there still are those bloody days when things are absolute shit.
So... i guess thats a little tale, about me. I'm not sure why I'm suddenly saying this now. Today. Nothing happened today, really. But, i guess... remember how I've mentioned I have my own personal blog in my brain? Yeah, the little voice inside my head. Deelilvoice. (Haha) Well, you see, i blog ALL THE TIME. Just, not here. Not where anyone can read. More of in my brain, talking to myself. Like a psycho, maybe. Haha, well, i guess everyone's a bit mental. I've always made plans to blog more here tho. I guess i want some one to hear. I guess i dont wanna hide, too much things. Well, anyho, there are very little people who would read this anyways. Just people who ever cared, from the beginning, or random people who stumble upon my blog maybe. But I dont think i really care whether anyone reads this. I dont think I'm making any sense. 'Cos im going from one topic, to another, to another, and then to a whole another different one.
Once again, i duno why im doing this now. Its 11.31 pm, on a Tuesday. I've got a Biology test tomorrow, first thing in the morning. And i havent even touched my book today. Hah, so much for getting my sleeping habit in check. Well, anyways, I think I'll blog tomorrow. I think. But this is it for now. Oh, and HB you! Oh, and teddy, im still waiting.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010,10:56 PM |
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♡ (:
Just posted on Youtube yesterday, it seems. Glad that I'm not that left behind. (: Love Mcfly.
Saturday, October 9, 2010,11:36 PM |
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We gonna light it up, like its dynamite.
My dear McFly (: I miss youtube-ing them, srsly :D
I'm gonna take it all out I'm gonna be the last one standing I'm alone and all I I'm gonna be the last one landing 'Cause I, I, Believe it And I, I, I I just want it all I'm gonna put my hands in the air Hands in the air Put your hands in the air
I throw my hands up in the air sometimes Saying AYO Gotta let go I wanna celebrate and live my life Saying AYO Baby, let's go
Friday, October 8, 2010,11:46 PM |
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Wednesday, October 6, 2010,11:12 PM |
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Today.
I don't need to be a slave, anymore than I already am. Everyday, I'm doing shits that I think I should do. Or not do things, even though I might really want to, because I know something will happen, that will make me feel like shit, and deeper than earth's crust. With boiling molten lava in the middle too.
So, why. Why would I be oh-so-honoured to be not only my own private slave, but oh... I duno. "More of one" maybe? ... *sigh.
Today, I've been bored. I've been sad. I've been irritated. I've been wondering around in my mind when I'm suppose to listen in Biology. I've been annoyed. I've been ignored. I've been tired, and sick of her attitude. I've been accepting things. & I've spent an hour, locked in my room, crying, talking to myself (my own shrink), and drinking coke (I'm honestly, not much a fan of fizzy drinks).
I don't need him telling me what I need to do, or what I need to work in. Bloody hell, i know kay. I just... didn't have enough time. My time management sucks. I'm trying to work on it.
I don't need her to act like her cares, or she ever even had any interest. She wants to do that? Then fine. I already knew that you wanted it. I don't care okay, I've gotten used to your ignorance towards me, and fine. IDC. Do what you want.
I don't need a lot of things.
Except, one.
I duno. It's hard to explain. But I'm just unbelievably annoyed that, when things are good, they're all good. But when things are bad, they're all bad, all at the same, fcking, time. Yknow? Hah, it's just stupidly, irritating. Almost unbearably irritating, actually.
I just miss having him around. I miss having someonearound.But im just gonna have to keep missing him til he comes back. Eventually. I know he will.
