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Disclaimer

hi, how are you?

Know what today is?

Today is exactly two months since Benji got lost. Around 1pm in the afternoon, after my uncle visited, so had to open the gate. Benji and Rocky went wandering, and only Rocky came back. So, yeah there's the story.
I woke up this morning, an flipped through my phone calender, 'cos its been becoming a habit of mine to note down stuffs...
It's also, approaching 8 months since Teddy's been gone.

So yeah. You gotta wonder how fucked up you gotta be, to lose two dogs, at the same time eyh?

yeah,

Labels: yeah.

Sunday, November 28, 2010,10:15 PM | comment | 0 comment(s)

Is it.

"Blood may be thicker than water,

but family ties means nothing.

Its the attitude and actions that matter."

See? I can't be wrong, now can I, if even the radio says it. It took so much of my inner strength from resisting shouting out, "NAH! IN YOUR FACE!"

You're being really blind. Once again, i get it; You're a mother, he's your son. Not just a son, he's your first and only son. Fine. But rightnow its just about reaching bullshit.

You think I woke, what? 4 in the afternoon?

Blah, i woke at 11am. Yeah, maybe thats still kinda late, but you said before 12 right?

Just cos i dont go out of my fcking room, doesnt mean im still fcking snoozing.

You think i wake up, wanting to be angry, and no mood?

I dont want it. I just have it; No mood. Anger. Irritation.

Is that my fault?

Is it my fault that you have a shit of a son?

Is it my fault, you're still too blind to realise that?

Is it my fault, mine? Everything?

Including around 3 years of wasting education,

wasting money overseas?

wasting oppurtunities?

wasting the very little money he actually, earned from that pathetic holiday job at the workshop, on that lame-ass car of his?

the car, which he bought for 4thousand dollars (oh, ya, cheap cheap)

then spent maybe another 4thousand fixing it up cos it's that much of a shit?

is that worth it? buying a terrible car? and spending just as much money just to fix it?

then saying,"after repair, i wont be using parents car loh"

but then, here we are, around a year later.

he still has to spend money fixing new problems that keep arising,

and he's still always using parents car, while that fcking car of his is sitting in the fcking garage.

Why?

cos he modified it to the extent, that police would definitely stop him if they saw him on the road..

so whats the point? whats the fcking point of buy a car, when you're still using your parents'?

Is it my fault, that i hate my brother,

after him being an ass for the past 3 years?

is it my fault, that he scolded Teddy for no fcking reason, when he was angry?

or was it teddy's fault for barking at him in the first place because he was shouting and swearing out loud like a freaking phycho?

Is it my fault, that maybe, subconciously, i do blame my brother for Teddy not being home, still?

Am I wrong for thinking like that?

Is it my fault that you keep saying your older sister's daughter

already graduated, with first class honours, from UK?

that she was the first in the family?

that even your elder brother whos now a principal, graduated with only second or third class?

is it my fault that your son, who's the same age, and supposed to be in the same year as her,

is still schooling? and still has around 2 years, before actually, graduating?

Is it my fault your husband's so tight on money now?

So, yeah..

Is it all my fault,

that i wake up everyday,

not happy?

because, what is there, really, for me to be purely happy about?

My Teddy still hasnt come home.

Theres lots more personal problems going around at home.

No one seems to support me in what i wanna do.

You, and papa being all, "why no study? later no good results, me sad oh. koko already not doing well"

.....

Does that really concern me?

the fact that he hasnt woken up and realised that he's been being immature for the past 3 years?

Is it my fault that, this is how your first child ended up growing?

Is it my fault, that, honestly, you're not that proud of him?

Is it my fault Teddy's not back yet?

Is it my fault i dont talk as such as you want me to?

Is it my fault you think there's something wrong with me, mentally?

Would it be my fault, if I actually, did have something wrong with me?

That im antisocial?

That im unhappy?

Is it my fault?

that I think this way?

cos it seems like i'm the only one thinking this way.

Oh, and p/s. I won't mind if you won't bring me to the hospital if I have gastric, (as i've been skipping lunch)... BECAUSE, i know myself. I know when my stomach would be grinding on its own walls. I know when im hungry. which, btw, im not! So yeah, im not hungry, i dont eat lunch. I also, wont get gastric OK? So you can quit with that shit your going on about. I don't like hospitals anyways. So, yeah.

with annoyance, and yeah,

maybe a bit of hatred,

Labels: is it.

Saturday, November 27, 2010,10:31 PM | comment | 0 comment(s)

Birthday eve.

So here I am, on the eve of my Sixteenth Birthday. Its 11.27pm on Tuesday. So.. in 23 mins, it'll be the 3rd November 2010. Its officially my last few mins of being fifteen. I duno why. But sixteen, feels funny. I guess its cos I know im actually quite 'old' already now, but I still feel so small. Honestly, I could easily feel like im still 13teen. I duno, like I've said to a friend, "I've got mixed feelings.''
Unfornutely, those are really really weird, mixed feelings. Honestly, I duno how this all is gonna go. 2010 will be ending soon. I'll have my first Final on thurday, and im not prepared for it at all.
So yeah. I've just finished ranting; the previous post just justnow. Haha, amazing really, how much calmer I feel now. This blog confessing thing really does surprise me by how much it works, sometimes. Not that im not still pissed, but, what am I gonna do, really.
So, what am I doin at 11.33pm on a school night. Well, i duno. Just thought, yknow, last post as a fifteen year old... But honestly, I just wanna go on and on about how weird im feeling. But really, i dont have time. School's tomorrow, as usually. And theres gonna be asking-questions session in Biology, and i havent even touched my book. And i dont think im gonna today. I'll just read through tomoro. I wanna, at least, try, and enjoy my last few minutes of 15teen-nism. Haha.
Anyways, I'm kinda behind on one post, that i wrote on a piece of paper few days prior. I was suppose to type it down here too, but i just couldnt find the time. But, I will soon.
It sucks, really. I cant enjoy my birthday, at all. For many reasons. Not only that exams the day after, and since i didnt studied yet, I've gotta spend it studying and cramming. So yeah. But I'll blog about it later on, or something.

Rightnow, i guess the point of this, is;

My 16th birthday's in around 20 mins. My finals are coming. I'm umprepared. 2010 is ending...

My birthday's in around 20 mins. And... Teddy's not back yet.

So.. i guess i know my birthday wish for tomorrow, you would think.

But imma wish for the same thing i wised for last year; happiness.

Cos my happiness, includes Teddy. And Sammy and Spot and BB and Hearvy and ... I dontknow, fairness?

With a feeling of weirdness, calmness,

sadness and a lack of fairness,

(oh, and happy 16th birthday to Cynthia as well.)(:

Labels: birthday eve 2010

Tuesday, November 2, 2010,11:26 PM | comment | 0 comment(s)

He fcking pisses me off. I dont care what anyone wanna think. What my mum think. That my mum said he's so 'kasian' cos im bad with him. Fck that ok. Just effing fck that. He's a fcking, smartass asshle. The stupid thing is; he's not smart. He just like thinking he is. Thinking he's smarter than everyone. Thinking he's better than everyone. Thinking he's in a what? Higher class than everyone?
Well, well, well. He has Zero class. At least those people he makes fun of, being lame of whatever; at least they have a living. At least they have money. Their own money. Not their parents' money. And at least they dont go around acting like their above everyone, the way he does.
My somewhat "brother" is a fcking jkass. I dont care. I stopped caring maybe even 2 years ago. But it annoys me still, that, my mum, especially, still.. what? I duno- whats me to treat him nicely or love him or whatever.
She can love him, whatever, no matter hw fcked up he is. I dont care. That's her. I guess every mother has to eyh? well, OK, i dont care about that. But as far as im concerned, he being my 'brother', sharing the same blood in our veins, sharing the same parents, house.. hell, even FACE, cos we just Had to look a like eyh?
It doesnt mean anything to me. What matters is how he treats me. What matters is what kind of person he is. Everything. I dont care about any bs 'family ties' or whatever.
He's nothing to me.
He's a fcktard. He's impatient. He's stubborn. He's an idiot. He's inconciderate. He's a jakass. And I guess the most is the fact that he's an acting smartass.
Belittles me. back when i Used to ask him about my studies... Belittles. Then just beginning of this year. Asked the ass a question. Couldn't even get the answer. And when i kept asking why? how? why this? He's the one, getting mad.
Really? After boasting? Like ''Im smart im smart im smart im smart. I know everything.'' Srsly, i just cant stand you. You think youre soo smart, you think what im doin now is soo easy. Well then, why, when you were my age, you kinda sucked. And if your so smart, why did you fail? Huh? Why did you waste not only your time, in Australia after form5, you wasted everything. You wasted our parents money. And you ruined everything.
Cos' that was when our father started being really uptight. About money... about future.. about studies, blablabla. You had to ruin it, didnt you?
But still, its not him feeling bad. He's not even smart enough to change, to know whats he suppose to do now. He's still the same. Still boasting. Still a jakass.
This mid year, he was suppose to be off to UK to continue he's study. Earlier this year; I was in the car with him. He was talking on the phone with a friend. saying and talking about goin uk blablabla. So i thought it was just fixed. Cos his course was meant for one and a half year here, one and a half year there. But, ohhh, big shocker, when he Failed his recent exam, and didnt get to go. Has to wait Another Whole year now. So, total, that around 1 and a half year wasted in Australia, and then one year wasted here. Soo, thats around 2 or 3 years. You were suppose to be 2 years a head of my sister, but yet, your just exactly at her level.
Yknow, i was happy, satisfied, i guess you could say i was evil.. when my dad was angry upon knowing that he's kinda useless only son, once again, wasted time. I was happy, yes. Cos the ass deserved it. He just thinks he's soo smart. Talk, talk, no actions, no prove.
My mum was kinda sad too. Dissapointed. But even all this... lasted about 2 weeks only. The ass spent around 2 weeks hiding around, then everything seems back to normal.
So, instead, of putting crap on him, my mum decides to put it on me. "Better study oh, Why no study? Later dont do well, me sad oh. Already koko not doing well"
Srsly, like crap on me? I understand, maybe you dont wanna seem like you dont love him anymore of whatever whatever whatever. But srsly, if he would have responded to your kindness and lightness, he wouldnt have failed for the Second time. Bloody hell, do something about it already. Cos he's never gonna change. I can tell you that for a fact. Fact. Its everything. The way he talks. The way he thinks. The stuffs he says. Hell, even the way he drive. He's a jakass, even when driving, and I fcking hate to follow him. He blablablas, says "What for want all this fancy mobile, blablabla, i rather play with car blablabla"
Speaks as if he really have his own car. Please lah.
Parents'. Money. = Parents'-car-only-with-a-jakass-driving.
Everything. He's just... fcked up.
Even the other day. Two weeks ago, family gather, cousin's wedding. Was talking about my cousin's new dog. Then blablabla, that fcktard go and say, "Wait until one more dog gone, can get a german shepard"
After that I spent my time in the car crying. He's. Just. A. Fcuking asshle who doesnt know how to think about anything. So easy for him to say. You know why? you know why he wants a big, fancy pretty expensive dog? Because its big, fancy, pretty and expensive. He doesnt actually care about having a pet. He doesnt care about playing with it, caring for it. All he cares, is that is big, and muscular, and when people come our house, sure will say like, ''Wahh" blablabla. Thats all he cares about. He doesnt even know anything about our pets.
And for him to just say that. It really pissed me off. Cos on the days when the fact that Teddy's still not here, really gets to me, I usually end up hating on my brother for being a jakass as well. Cos sometimes, he's mad, goes outside, on the way, slams the door... then kena hit something, curses loudly, blablabla, go to car, slams door, everything lah, making all those immature actions. So Teddy would always bark, cos he was the most protective. So he would bark, then the asshle would start scolding him. And that really pisses me off. What he did then, and what he said on the family gathering. Whats even more, inconsiderate. Is... that I dont think i was the only one who got really hurt and offended by it.
Cos, heres something ive never mention... 21st sep, Benji, one of the two new puppies, got missing wandering outside. I've never mention that, cos its still very much a touchy subject. So yeah, im not that attach with him, cos i didnt want to be. But my sister was. She was the one taking care of both of the new ones, etcetc. And she was sad about it.
So, yeah, for that effing jakass to say what he said, was really, him being himself.

But then, dont think thats the reason for me blogging now. Its not, really, otherwise i would have blogged then. He just angered me around an hour ago. And really, it wasnt big. I didnt end up crying about it, as i am now typing these out. Like always, i just keep my mouth shut and walk away. Cos i dont need to be around him anymore than i have to. Even if its around the TV. I dont care.
I dont care what my mum thinks. I dont care how she decides to 'raise' her only son. But if you ask me, a twenty three year old doesnt need anymore 'raising.'

10:40 PM | comment | 0 comment(s)