My eyes widened, a 'what?!' escaped my mouth, and then after that, my eyes felt extra moist.
Wow, i never knew he could be... that kind of a guy. Not that i know him, im not gonna say that, cause i honestly dont. But, wow.
Srsly, first, time, ever, i felt something like that while reading, smthg like that.
That was insane, insane, insane.
He made me regret. He made me sort of dislike that guy. He made me...
im not sure. But that, was srsly weird of me. Im not much of a dramatic, cheezy, kind of person, but my eyes were watery.
Wow.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Today, was over whelming. I had an insight to two people's life. One with permission, and one without, i guess. Which, im starting to feel bad about now, but, im not judging anything he said, coz that was all just insane...
Wow. wow. wow. Im absolutely dumbfounded now. Haha.
but i have to stop now. its 10.41pm, school's tomorrow. I havent started my bookreport dued tomorrow. sighs. Wth is wrong with me. Plus. i have to revise Amaths. And no, im not gonna cheat, even tho i have the opportunity to,becauuseee cheating would just be cheating myself, blablablablabla...
I need to stop.
Maybe ill continue tomorow. I have too much in my head today, all different and opposite emotions and feelings, i cant do it now, when im suppose to finish my homeworks. School, has to come first. Or last, in this case, but whatever, i just have to finish.
So i guess tonight's another late night. Im happy i nap this afternoon, straightaway after lunch til 3.45pm.
But argh, i suck with time. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ps, he's still not back. yet. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Friday, April 30, 2010,10:30 PM |
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ted.
But theyre sort of driving me insane these days.
17thApril2010, Saturday Night.
3rd dream.
- He came back, but he wasnt alone. And no, he did not come back with puppies and a wife whatever my mum tries to fill my head with.. He came back with all the strays. And then it was a big fuss for us to chase the strays away. -
But i guess, still, these dreams keep my faith in me.
But mostly, what keeps, what little small amount of faith i have left,
is just my disability to believe he's anywhere but still here.
here, in this neighbourhood.
here, somewhere along the outside road,
here, somewhere around all the houses, bushes, parks, trees and the sea and beach.
here, as in, here with me.
on earth.
My disbelieve to think anything otherwise.
And my believe in my boy to make it back home,
reallly, reallly soon......
so i can smack that butt of his when he does return for putting me through all these, again !
He's really pushing it rightnow. I cant hardly joke about any of this.
Monday, April 19, 2010,9:07 PM |
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keep faith, wait.
The Bottom Line Your intuitive powers can't always be perfect. Keep the faith, you're doing well.
In Detail You just can't really rush things along right now -- as much as you, and everyone around you, would like to. You need to hurry up and wait, which may be a drag -- but at least it's a drag you're sharing with everyone else. In the meantime, you can do your homework on the one big issue that's been occupying your thoughts lately. When this period passes, you'll be sure you're right about everything that's been happening -- and ready to act.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dont get the last sentence. And...
Homework? Wtf. -___- "do your homework" is even mentioned in my horoscope. o.o
but, have to admit, i spent my afternoon today doin homework.
The Bottom Line You're impatient and impulsive. Good -- now you can really get things in motion.
In Detail You're not exactly happy with the way recent events have turned out, and you're not in the mood to pretend that you are. Fortunately, you won't have to for very long. Almost everyone can see you're aggravated, and those responsible know exactly how angry you are -- and don't bother you any further. Your only problem now will be what to do about the folks who aren't bright enough to figure it out.
I check horoscopes a lot these days... only reason why i still keep my friendster. Surprising, they're always relevant. Not exactly... like, today's for example; Im not exactly angry, what more angry at anyone in particular. Im not angry...but im not exactly happy (as it mentions above).... whatever.
I couldnt stop yawning for the past two days straight, early in the morning during school. Im not sure why.
I started goin back practices too. After a week's worth of skipping them. Got mentioned by teacher.. hmmmmmmmm...
but thats not the reason why i cant stop yawning. Im not sleepy, at least, i think im not. Tho, i finally took a three hour nap this afternoon, skipping lunch and waking around 3.30pm.
To top everything off, my Teddy hasnt come home yet. Safe to say, its been around a week alrdy. Im tryin not to think too much, but its not like i can stop imagining the worse-case-scenario, after he hasnt even come back for eating, after a week.
But he's out there. And he's coming home soon, tomorrow maybe. Come home to me so i can hug him and squeeze his silly ears til he cries.
Ok, im just kiddin. It doesnt hurt him, he's just sensitive at his ears.
He's coming home... He's out there...
He has to be.
I dont care if i dont have my day at school, but i need my day at home.
I need my boy to return home.
Safe.
I need him to be around.
I need my naughty, brown furry, innoccent looking, loving Teddy back.
I need him.
Im really getting worried.
Dreamt of him twice. Fcking strange dreams -without limbs, but still waking around, following behind me. Still waking without limbs? Still happy. He was home...
Monday, April 12, 2010,5:25 PM |
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maybe it's not that i dont deserve a good day, maybe it's just that i can't seem to earn one.
I was surprise, at first. Truth. It was surprising to see that she understood so much about things i never opened up too. In the past two weeks, i opened up to two people dear to me. In fact, one was just this Sunday. I was shock that i actually got the words out... and even more shock to see and hear their response. Its... not what i expected. And i didnt ended up feeling very guilty about it afterward. I really, really appreciated that.
But today, it seems like the usual guilt creeped back.
Im not sure why. Or what. What guilt? ... Its not exactly 'guilt.' Its just that, when i opened my mouth and let too much things voice themselves, i always end up reviewing it all in my head, all the time. Thinking whether it was right to say so much. Sometimes, most of the times, i do regret. I regret opening my mouth. Which, i guess, wouldnt make any sense to those people who're always calling me quiet, since, ever.
And it doesnt help when i finally open up, and i end up regretting it completely.
Its not like im exactly happy of how i was raised. Not in the sense youre thinking. Its.. different. Complicated. And i, dont feel comfortable saying it. I've never said it before. Probably never would.
I know what they think. Humans are typical and predictable. Probably to few, i am as well.
The thing is, i meant what i said on Sunday to my cousin...
People are too judgemental. But they're supposed to be judgemental, yknow. Human nature, i understand... I just feel its too much.
People these days are such sissys.
People continue, they dont create.
People follow, they dont lead.
People aren't fake, but arent original either.
People go in groups, just like sheeps.
People understand a lot of things, but not everything.
And people arent different. All through out the world, you will find, at least, at least, one person just like you. Its just the matter of fact that you're rare.
I dont know. Maybe im starting to say too much here now. But..
Maybe its not that i dont deserve a good day. Everyone deserves a good day... Its just i cant seem to earn or make one.
Now its 6.09pm, i need to shower. Tuition at 7...i hope im not late.
I cant wait to sleep this off. But i know it'll still be there tomorow morning.
It wasnt like i never knew i didnt fit. Its just, the days when its more prominent, prove to be too much for me.
Majority of people's days, i believe, are made up of, if not good, then at least 'OK' days...
Saturday, April 3, 2010,11:16 PM |
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no comment. blablablabla...
I can't honestly say, that i know what her problem is. But at this point, i dont care that much. She'll come around, like always. Mothers will be mothers i guess... Sometimes I have a bad day; she makes it worse, i have a good day; she spoils it... If anytime i were to have a good day, sometimes she'll continue making it good.
She says im spoiled, unappreciative, annoying when i dont answer her wtf questions, etc etc. But honestly, my mother may have not been spoilt when she was my age, but now, i consider her quite a spendy person. In terms of money, of course. The most annoying part is, when she's in a good mood, she'll push spoiling me, even when i dont at all what it. When i finally decide i want something, and wanna make a commitment to it.. oh yeah, she's all happy with it, at first. Other days she just finds every fucking fault in me. Eg, my piano lessons.
Its on a roll i tell you, more than three months she havent really scolded me, for the teacher having a hefty fee. A record. Seriously, lastime before i start, she'll encourage me to take this and do that.
One thing about my mum, she forgets the things she said, way too easily.
But, fine. Whatever. Imma leave it at that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Review of the week.
Wed, 31/03/10 What a bs day. Terrible terrible terrible... Okay lah, not really, but my mood wasnt very nice. One of those days you walk around feeling a constant jab from your inner body. Like smthg inside, trying to suck you into, a tiny black hole -.- ... Ow, black hole (:
Thurs, 01/04/10 April Fool's day in primary.. remember then? Yeah. Now? Bleh. Afternoon was weird, satisfying, gleeful, fun, and, a bit of regret in it somewhere too. I cannot go a day, not regretting something. Srsly. ): But i still remember that afternoon. Thinking about it 5 mins after it happened. An hour after it happened. 6 hours after it happened, 24 hours, 48 hours, even now. I dont know whether thats a good thing or what : / But, still, over all, the day was fun.
And, i finally got my flat tummy back from all the sweating during badminton! And its still flat til now! HAHAHAHAHA, wtf.
Fri, 02/03/10 Friday class. I was a fool to believe. But nevertheless, still an alright day. Had nice sleep in the afternoon. Til evening, thats when my mother just decided to go into silent mode with me. Whatever. Spent at night hiding around in my room.
Sat, 03/04/10 I dont understand why would my mother wanna follow send me to school, if she's still gonna ignore me. And, picking me up, wheres my father?! Bleh, drive home, whole silence. -.- fcktrd. School, was, eh, it lost its magic from thursday... so no comment.
Useful advice im giving myself; Get Over It.
*
Andd, its now 11.08pm. Tomorrow's a sunday, but have to get goin at 5.30 am... to Tutong. So, i really should get sleeping.
Im so stupid when i dont get enough sleep, i sleep in the afternoon, but then at night, ill still only be sleeping, at earliest, 11.30pm. Usually, 12am.
-.-
I havent broke my holiday habit, which actually was caused by my PMB studying habit, so...
But theyre sort of driving me insane these days.