●™

Disclaimer

hi, how are you?

Mr.h,hh.

A guy like him is oh-soo hard to resist.

But i'd say im doin ok. Haha. I never understood why/how did i even get over my crush on him. Believe it or not; he was my very, very first. Yes, First. From kindergarten till primary 6 or, end of primary 5. I guess since he moved to the secondary section alrdy that time, didnt see much, didnt care much. Hmm, thats how things goes i guess. Yups, around 7 years.. O.O" wow, SEVEN? lol, i didnt even realise.. haha... from kindergarten... hahah, when i was a lil devil, HAHAHA, i was already having crushes on lil boys.. hahah, seriously, i remembered, cause, kindergarten, we'll always bring like colouring books and all that rights? i remember once he asked me if he could colour.

LOL.

can you imagine...

ahhahahahhahah, i went reddd.

Huaaahahhahaha ♥ ♥ ♥

Hmm, i've had, 1 2 3 ... around 3 mega crushes in the entire 14, almost 15 years i was borned on this place. Well, 2 and a half i would say... cause.. the third.. well, lets just say the third isnt always the charm, but, aw, i wish he was.

Whats weird, is, lastime, i was, kinda loyal, to just one crush... i'd like one guy, and one guy only... Now... everythings such a blur... i can count at least 5 guys now. HAHA... dont think of me like that, it's just crush... none of em' ever even found out ... so all's good (:

So, maybe ill be saying the truth when i'd say, "I don't have a crush."

Cause i donttt. Just, Eye Candy. ♥

Muahahaa,

But i really gotta say, the first dude, could possibly be the most perfectly perfect dude, attitude and personality-wise & superr nice!

Like superrrrr, nice. (;

So sweet. ♥

Huahahaha, okay, ill stop. *smiles*

P/S: take note, Mock Exams on the 8th, and i havent even started! and... i've got boring homework to do tomoro... ; sucks. i have to... stop... flying.. around... in my head...

sighs.

im so hallow.

lol.

Labels: hh, Mr.h

Saturday, August 29, 2009,11:08 PM | comment | 0 comment(s)

rainbowstory.

He continues to talk,
and you continue to prop your chin, your elbow on the table.

He's talking all animated, with hand movements and everything,
with those sparkling lil stars in his eyes,
and that all too perfect smile.

"She's just... amazing. She makes me feel so... so carefree. I just feel like jumping in the air over and over again... so energetic, never tired, always... happy... Have you ever felt that way?" he asks, and you finally look up. Just to catch your breath when you look into he's eyes, eyes filled with admiration and pure happiness.

You could get lost forever in his eyes, but you'll never even bother to ever find you way again, cause it feels like his path, will be exactly yours too. Ow, arent you just such a stalker.

His smile widens, searching for the answer in you. You pull yourself back to reality, and give him a timid smile and slowly nod your head, and look away. He lets out a satisfied, ''Ha! I knew it. Its a great feeling, aint it?" You gave him the same response you did justnow.

He's looking ahead now, at the horizon, at the seagulls hovering over the sea, searching for a catch. You follow his gaze.

Just as a seagull was about to dive in for a fish, a majestic eagle flew down too. The eagle got the fish first, and flew away all confident that it'll always be able to beat that dumb seagull. The seagull landed on the water and just floated, letting the current carry it. It looked more like a duck now, rather than a seagull.

A sitting, dumb, duck.

"Nice," he had commented about the eagle's snatch. You gave him the same response now, too.

Then his perfect princess he kept talking all about called him from behind. You both looked back, at the goddess standing there, on the green grass. He waved at her, smiling, and started to stand.

"I'll see you," he said, smiling at you for the last time today.

"Bye," you smiled back.

He grinned wider, the cherry on top of a cake. Then he ran to her. Catching her in an adorable bear hug when he got to her. And they made their way down hill, hand in hand, being happy.

And so there you sat, alone, an idiot.

You lean back and stare up at the blue sky, wishing your life would be as clear as it was.

Labels: a Rainbow Stories production. (hehe)

Friday, August 28, 2009,1:46 PM | comment | 0 comment(s)

noticed

10.44pm.

okay, i havent even went out. and, its almost finished i bet, but, ill still go out a bit.

just wanna post a teensy lil thing...

Eventhough, that post was pretty much, err, depressing, (duh) i notice that even when i would be having a fcking day, the next day in school, ill kinda be fine...

So, is the blogging thing actually working?

hahahha,

LAME.

(--,)"

Labels: noticed

Wednesday, August 26, 2009,10:44 PM | comment | 0 comment(s)

im just trying,

whats there to say...

You know? My day actually started out kinda alright with school... phototaking was during maths time... so, maths was not-caring time... I dont know how my picture was... i wonder when theyll be done developing 'em and we can finally take a look at the results... i have to say im kinda nervous... *weak laugh* haha, what can i say? Im very self conscious.

I went with Mei Chen & Irene. I want after Mei Chen and before Irene.

Weird. I ended up smiling in every picture. At fisrt the dude was like, "Smile." And so i did. And he was like, "Nice, nice" ... And im like... poutin/tryin not to laugh out loud... wonder if he's saying that just because mayb he was getting tried or a bit frust. that every time he asked the students to smile... theyll just not listen to him. HAHA. Poor dude. But err, i kept thinking, how was my hair from that angle? did i twist away from the camera too much? did my probably not properly tucked in shirt made me look fat? was my smile too fake? did i look like i did some shitty botox or smthg? (and hell no, ive never done that) was my fugly lower jaw very obvious? was my eye bags that bad? my teeth yellow mahh? (man, i skipped my coffee fo three days already bahh to avoid staining em', brush brush brush squeky clean) and etc etc...

Slap me.

But, whatever, that didnt really bother me... just making me kinda nervous when imagining all the possibly uglyness. HAHA. ok, ignore me.

So yeah.. school was alright..

I had piano at 12pm. Right after school. And, i think thats where i started being... depressingly numb? I dont know... you know. my usual piano day is thursday, its just, tomoro got geography afternoon class so, had to change.. i didnt really practiced my piano Beyer Two book, and i kinda sucked... i think teacher a bit frust. justnow. cause i kept on makin the same dumb mistakes...

I felt so numb you know. You know how that feels? When actually, you know what the music notes are, but, youre just sitting there, looking at it, thinking whats it, but at the same time, not really thinking... just... staring... it sucked. arghh....

12.45pm way back home... i stayed quiet i guess. Then got home, wahh, not yet parking, saw it... straight away pissed... -_____- when straight room... dumped the stupidly heavy bags on the bed, and grab my ipod, which was right by my bedside cause i was listening to it before sleeping last night around 11.45pm... i had it on non-shuffle mode on Varsity Fanclub. haha. Love (:

Tucked out shirt... went toilet... took my plant...out of toilet... opened my window beside my study table and placed it outside fo a bit of sun... and cool-ness. It was raining beautifully. The type where its rainning, but the sky's still a perfect clear baby blue... and isnt even those days when its sunny when rainning, when outside very yellow-ish and stuffs... the type people would say is unhealthy to be under the rain... no... it was perfect.

It wasnt crazy heavy rain, sky was soft blue, and the wind was... ow, perfect. Nice, smooth, very cool, but not scary cold... just kept swooshhing my hair. HAHA. so i sat on the floor next to the window, and also next to my plant which i just put out on the window, leaned on my cabinet, and of course left the window open, turned my ipod louder and stared at the sky with the wind on my face.... yeahh, a typical, so lame way, fo me to relax... i always do these type of things... hey, honestly, just saying, if theres anyone in the house which knows how to relax, itd probably me.

So the rain was the background sound to every song. (: But... soon, even over the loudness of my ipod, i still hear the knock on my door, probably my father, calling fo lunch, of course... i paused fo a while... i didnt get up though, i stayed sitted, and theni stared out quietly at the sky again in silence, then i pressed play once more...

I probably finished around three or four more songs, 12 mins before i finally went out... i always do that... bad habit, i know... not coming straight away went called, but... cant help it... went kitchen... lunch was, a jolibee beef burger... there was actually porriage (sorry, sp? haha) but, didnt feel like eating porriage... i wasnt actually hungry... so the burger was just fine. I ate quietly... then so typically, my mother always have to kacau me... "See! So boring when she like this. No mood. When gila ; gila..." (refering to me being hyper around the house, as i said, im not how i am at school, at home, well, most of the time (:

She had to say say one oh. That way i say. My mum can really piss me off okay. I was already not in the mood. And everytime when she notice im not in the mood cause i wont talk... she have to go and say say. Like, ee! She always have to say it in that way. You know.. its just really bloody annoying bahh. Its basically almost like rubbing salt into a wound. She always have to be like that. All the time always. Pissed man... tears escaped again a bit.. i rubbed them away quick.. luckily, i didnt start sobbing... then she and my father went in... and i can finally eat in peace.... then... my dad's transport came... cause today he night shift offshore... it came earlier than expected, cause he said it would come at 2 smthg, but it was only about 1:30 or smthg la... so he came back in and said goodbye... and i watch the transport leave... well, only fo about 2 seconds, cause you cant really see anything from the kitchen table... So yeahh.... my mental typewriter wrote, "DAY 1, 1.34pm, dad left, home alone with mum. 1 week"

Sighs. My heart sank. After lunch.. i went back to my room... but, its not like i hide in here (im here now) all afternoon, after only like 5 mins i went back out, found my mum watching Hot Chick again, cause we were happily watching it together last night, till like 11.30pm, thats why i slept late.... Just, now, we got to the earlier part that we missed last night, but still not from the start... i sat there on the sofa opposite her's, laid down and watched the whole movie again with her... i laughed at some parts... she still didnt care me... so when it ended and she change channels, i went back to my room and just stayed there playing piano fo maybe an hour or so... etc etc... the rest of the afternoon was unimportant.... just didnt talk.

Then at night, ate dinner... blablabla, finished, stayed in the sitting room fo maybe 10 mins then went to room. And just, justnow at 9:00pm she just call from my door to give me my milk and ask whether i wanted to watch tv or not... cause got Im A Celebrity ; Get Me Outta Here, we usually watch... but i just said no and took my cup of milk in... its still here, im not done drinking, busy typing, this... so.. now, its 9.39pm. its quiet outside so im pretty sure she's gone up... hm, maybe when im done with this, will just go out and watch the rest of the show.. its till 11, if im not wrong... and, i dont have any homework.... well, that needs to be handed in tomoro... so.. yeah... maybe this is where i should stop.

On Monday, on the way to school, late, as usual, listening to Izan (dj) on the radio... she read all those stuffies from articles etc... and said, "According to this article, writing in a journal or blogging about the things that bother you will really help." Then she went on and on being her usual self, "Hey, i, i write in a journal, ill be like, 'Dear journal, today blablabla' "

hahaha, i sensed she was dissing the whole thing. hahahha. i grinned. Izan rocks my bones (:

So, yeah, i guess thats why im here, maybe... i knew i needed like, therapy or some sort... and as much as this is extremely lame i mean, "pouring out youre feelings" blebleblabla... i mean, im goin like this -_______________-" just saying it, HAHA. but, i cant help myself at the same time.

You know, my mum would always be like, "Later i die then you know...ha, then you see how hard life is" and etc etc when she used to get mad and scold us or any of my siblings lastime, ... she doesnt exactly get ''mad'' much these days, as in, these years, or what what...

Or when shes just normal and just say say like, in a mother-way-of -being-manja, " If mama die, youll miss me or not."

You know? Doesnt anyone else's mothers say stuffs like these?

Of course the answer is yes la. =Yes, ill miss you, Yes, i know life will be hell without you in it.

But we dont answer those questions. Never. Cause they dont need to be said... and of course la... following the situation, i mean, when a mothers scolding, just kept your head down and shut your mouth right? And when shes like just like, affectionally or manja-like ask ask, in the second situation, itll be like, so... so.......... you know. you say it.

sighs. do you even get what im trying to say? maybe its too hard to explain, but, whatever... forget it.

But, in all situation, its not like i dont appreciate, or at all hate my mother, cause of course i dont.

And when she'll say to me, "Later i dont have, you lonely then you know" I cant help wondering if things were opposite, like, if i werent here, i know she'll be the one lonely. Cause my brothers 22, and my sis's 20, and of course im the youngest, coming 15, but still 14.... im the only one home all the time, cause the sibs are in bandar, and even when theyre home, they like goin out hanging with frens... but above all, by nature... wouldnt you say the youngest is always the closest to the parents cause you're like the last baby they've had?

But, im not saying this in a way like... "DONT HAVE ME YOU ALSO LONELY LAA!" or whatever. cause you just cant speak to a parent that way... its just wrong....

But, honestly, i dont know where im goin with this whole, stupidly long post...i guess,

i have nothing else better to do...

i havent studied, i know i know, sighs, im working on that okay.

im slightly lonely,

but not really, cause this isnt the first time me and my mum are on silent mode... were not exactly frighting or whatever la, its just... silent mode... that why i said earlier; i prefer saying home alone with my dad... or not alone at home with my mum, must at least have my sister or brother to kept her company... cause im pretty sure she doesnt take well to loneliness.... but, if you were me... where in school youll never really be the one in the middle of a possy or gang or what what... and lastime since primary youll just keep to yourself cause you know you dont actually, really know anyone around you... you get used, and tend to even feel more comfortable being alone. but... i guess not really now, i have friends who would talk to me, and laugh with me, who'll be close with me... i would say ive come a long way... in primary, ppl used to think i was shy and quiet and dumb. cause i was.... but im not shy now, im just always quiet cause i have nothing to say... and sometimes... not speaking is way better... sometimes silence is more preferable.... but we should be all thankful we have good friend around us, i sure as hell am...

sighs. again, where the hell am i goin with this? err, i gotta learn howta stop ...

Ok. its 10.16pm. Oh, and i was wrong justnow, my mum was actually still outside, i heard the tv justnow, but now, im pretty sure she's gone up. So yeah, ill go watch some tv, i guess. then back to room fo all the arranging books and brushing teeth, etc etc.

so to pull this to a close, ill like to say i hope none of you get me wrongly,

this was not computerly typed with hatred,

not at all.

im just trying to express myself, after all the times my mum would say if there was smthg wrong with me mentally. if i had autism. (one of my cousin has it) but we both know i dont. im not even close to acting like a person with autism. my social skills are just lower then mosts' i guess, but im normal. and she knows that, duhh,

she just cant help always making me feel bad,

sometimes,

fo some reason,

i dont think ill understand

anytime soon.

xxx,

Labels: you couldnt help it.

8:36 PM | comment | 0 comment(s)

temporary only.

this skin is not staying

i really, really hope i can get my old skin back.

i miss dearly.

eventhough not even a whole day yet. haha.

im still workin on it.

ill get it back.

*fingers crossed*

btw, mayb less blogging ...

but, whatever, bet you dont care (:

Labels: temporary skin.

Thursday, August 20, 2009,10:00 PM | comment | 0 comment(s)

clue.

Just look at the two of you.

Youre being immature, unreasonable, stupid, mean, idiotic, brainless and, extremely Lame.

How about looking at your two dumbass-selves bfore categorising her as you did. She maybe have her flaws, and her extra flaws, but ... dingdong, the two of you are worst.

I know. I know. I used to hate her too ... ha! back in Primary. Hello, how old are you? ThirTeen, no? People would think youll have some decency to not act like two sissy seven year old bitches.

Seriously.

You know... arrgh, are you two really that blind?

When i was talking crap bout you with others, i thought you might had gotten the hint that, i might be dissing you, especially when you basically caught us whispering just behind you.

But no, right? Why on earth would we say bad things about you? youre just so nice, friendly, helpful, pretty and cute!

p/s ?

You're seriously, blind too. (;

My advises,

get a mirror. and REFLECT. and not ADMIRE your ass-sy faces fo once.
get a clue. people Dont like You. sorry, but try thinking why, why dont you.
stop being so fcking Condescending. again, get a mirror = youre not that pretty, so stop calling others ugly ; and see how youre acting, youll think your a bitch too.
last but not least, Grow Up a bit bahh.

Really, that was so ... amusing. To see two Teens act like two lil girls.

Youre just dumb ... and blind.

Oh ... and about you two saying that all her well known brand (fairly expensive) products dont look nice on her cause of a particular reason...that i rather not say ... and you saying you have them too.

HA. ~ LOL.

Really? :D

Cause...

Im pretty sure yours are just cheap imitations.

Cheap & Fake.

Just

you two.

hoho.

Labels: clue..

5:29 PM | comment | 0 comment(s)

fff. ow, s.

Who Needs A Heart.

we're all better off without one.

You know? ... I couldnt resist making myself making a new Mixpod. Haha, or more correctly; I couldnt help having Cobra Starship's being my page song. Haha ... I know my post are still pretty depressing ... so, thought a change of song?

Decode was ... on the depressing side. Haahaa, i was reluctant to change it, yes, ive got problems letting go... but its been more than 6 or so months. So i think a change's what i need. Maybe... We'll see.

But i do, still love that song.

HeyMonday's Candles was thiss close to being my new lullably and making me feel better, but not quite. Almost, almost. Its a nice song. But i was never really a slow song person anyways. (;

Slow songs on a slow day just makes me, well, slow. (:

Ha!

Well, its 9.35pm.

no comment about school, except it... yes, fucked up. Im sorry. But i shit-tyly cant stop thinking bout my fucking malay. And you know, if you look at how many weeks it is to PMB using handbook... It looks so close... like.. two weeks to Mock Xam, then two weeks holiday, then one week Cont' Mock, then just the next week, its PMB.

Like that... i almost wanted to panic. But, whatevs... im not thinking bout this now.

But, you know. I cannot do anything but think about tomoro's school... Got malay and science tomoro ok. Like, fuck! Why always these two on the same day? Argh, nevermind la, its better la, on the same day, then spoil all the rest of the days.

But honestly, i dont have a problem with science. Not really. Its just that fucking teacher. fffffffffffffffff. She driving me... insane. the lady... i really cant stand her... in class, ill just stare at her f face and think how fking she is.

Serious,ly.

Ok.

Im sorry, im sorry. Is this wrong? ..oh well, catch me and reprogram my brain then. Cause i cant stop hating her... err, i wanna bite her... f.

While malay, honestly, i would say the teacher's the best malay teacher ive had... but i dont know... You know i spend like 10mins+ just talkin to myself like what the fuck is happening. You know. For almost 3 years, i maintain a stable 60+ credit for malay... till last term, 58, this term 53. Like, wtf? I read through, and i dont see much diff between then and now... as in, how i answer. Or.. i duno.

Arrgh, sue this. Whatever whatever whatever.......... ok. nevermind. just... focus... for the next. ok..

ffffffffffffffffffff.

Ok, ok. im done.

and ill end this with an apology, for what? duno... instinct after swearing a, tab bit too much mayb?

Whatever.

I think i gotta stop... mother's starting to nadge... bloody hell.... it 9.53pm. Ok?

Ok, ok, sorry, cancel that.

Arrgh, sue this.

why do i even bother,

im hopeless.

oh, tell yourself smthg you dont know, silly girl.

Labels: fck. ow, sorry.

Monday, August 17, 2009,9:26 PM | comment | 0 comment(s)

youre that guy, ill be stupid to trust.

and the list goes on...

*bitterness*

see? i told you im never really happy... im all bitchy and depressed again these days. and fuck it. im not gonna talk about it. ill just promise myself to work on it.. but, i dont care. rightnow, i really, dont wannas think about it.

Today sucked, majorly. Sucked, sucked, sucked, and fucked, up. Yes. -__-

Its 12.34am. Tomoro no school, which doesnt even matter to me now; im too numb to feel good. But im sad that my father will be goin offshore again tomoro. and itll be just me and my mum at home, again... sighs, i prefer my dad these days. Other than that, ill also need a knee to slap. Haha. Just, my hands were itching to hurt something, but, i couldnt, not really. so i just kept slapping his knee... and later on i made him keep on like, bumping hes knee to mine continuously... haha, dont even ask me why... im just weird. i guess i like the beats/tempo/and light taps blablabla... one (bump), two (bump), three (bump)... my eyes fell shut and i was also, thiss close to seeing how it'd feel like to fall right onto my back.

Lol. thats cause i was sitting on the stool, and with my legs crossed on top, so, lean back, and boom! haahaha, but i didnt, not in the mood fo an aching back, since i did just hav one last week.

Yeahh, yeahh, ill miss him. Especially since my malay orals tomoro at 1.15pm too... *rubs face* i feel like dying... and peeing... ha! i need toilet, but, too lazy... hm. Aargh, who cares. Im on strike anyways; skipped lunch, slept, slept slept, ate nachos at 5pm bath at 7pm, ate dinner at 8pm, warcraft 8.30pm to 12;15am. and.. till now 12.45am, blog this crap.

I had a _____ day... fill that in with whatever adjective you want....

the only thing thats making me feel a teeny weeny bit better is

Cobra Starship's Good Girls Go Bad, feat. Leighton Meester.

Finally decided to downloaded it yesterday... Leighton kinda has a... emm, weirdish, a bit, kinda voice... but it works. I was shock to find out she sang when my sister told me last month... haha, see... it takes me a month to download my so called "new" batches of songs. aahha.. but, i love it (:

Kept playing in my head yesterday.

And so, yeah, my only piece of pleasure. A three min song. Hmm, prefect club song. ha.

Well, better go. its turning 1am. and, i wanna see my dad go tomoro morning, but, not much hope in that, itll be early, duhh.

Anyways, one more dose of my bedtime song.

smirks.

a club song;

my lullably.

ha.

Labels: she was so, shy, til i drove her wild.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009,12:30 AM | comment | 0 comment(s)

im so fucked up.

okay, okay. i know, i said i was gonna replace all my swearing with * but, aa, sue it.

im so screw.
im so stupid.
im so not sleepy.
im so gonna wake up so, not, a happy camper.
im so gonna be pissed with my exam results.
im so not gonna be relieved until pmb's over.
im so gonna be shaking fo my bm oral on wednesday.
im so not in the mood fo school.
im so gonna be a bitch tomorow.
im so not in any mood fo a filthy fat ass to act like he knows me.
im so not in the mood to wonder whether id just be overly paranoid.
im so craving to slice his throat, give me a knife.
im so not humorous, nor am i joking bout that.
im so not in the mood fo that fucking teacher!
im so not in the mood fo those people,
im so not in the mood to behave!

im so not, smiling.

and i end this with a happy song,

oh, wait, i have no lyrics fo a happy song now. oh well, lets continue fo a lil while more.

im so not in the mood fo people saying it was easy and i shouldnt worry.
im so not gonna listen.
im so stubborn.
im so sure that aint no surprise.

im so not in the mood fo her to be weird. and to be fine again later on.

wtf? why am i thinking of her?

im so not in the mood to have music block rightnow, but, hey, i do have it now.

im so not in the mood to set my alarm later.

im so not feelin like brushing my teeth.

im so irritable.

im so flicking. the lil switch in my head.. yeahh, my fuse! flick flick flick....pissed= FIRE!

im so, really, on an extremely, short circuit.

im so wishing murder wasnt a sin. or, at least has an exception fo idiots like him, and her, and her!

errgh! blind vain egotistical in love with herself bitch.

im flu.

wait

what?

Im Flu?

O.O"

ha!

very nice michell.

that really tickles the tougue.

how original.

too bad it does make any sense.

im not sleepy.

im suppose to be sleeping.

its 12.03am.

and im suppose to force open my puny reluctant tired and dry eyes at 5.45pm?

...

Go die.

You wont get me alive.

so, i guess tomorows my funeral then? coz no way theyre gonna let me skip school.

Labels: and you wonnnderr whyy., i rather kept my mouth shut. hoho

Sunday, August 9, 2009,11:38 PM | comment | 0 comment(s)