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hi, how are you?

Dedication

So, I know I just skipped one day of school, which was Saturday, but seriously, I've never felt better. (:

Thurday was aight, really. Big shocker; Chemistry wasn't a jakass on thurday. I actually understood almost everything Mr.A was saying... and, without criticising him in my head and killing him over and over again. I even had 4 periods of Chem that day, compared to the usual 2 periods. That's cos our malay teacher's on holiday, and our subsitute didnt show up. Which was kinda great. Cos, honestly, I can't stop feeling uncomfortable around her, ever since last year. Or more, ever since I started failing her class, and then miraculously getting an A for PMB. Someone didnt understand my surprise and joy at that time upon receiving my results, and basically asked me to shut my mouth up, when I went on and on about it and wtf wtf wtf-ing. Well, well. I realised a while back, that that's cos she wasn't the one i cried in front of.

Hmm. I remembered. Getting three terms' test papers, failing, fail, failed. I slowly slowly dropped til i reach a minumum of 45marks, like that. With me, feeling i did better, after each of the exams. So yeah, can't you empathise with me? Thinking you definitely did better on this one, cos you actually put effort in studying it, but then no, it ends up you did worse. And this happened for three, straight terms. Its like being punched in the face, really. And for my final last year, the exam before PMB, nothing changed. Things just got worse. So I broke down. I was desperate. I thought, and really believed I did better, that I did my best. But it just ends up me fcking it up even more. So can't you understand my panic at that time. It was just a month before the big bad PMB, where I had to get at least 60marks, and I was still getting 45marks. I was frustrated and sad and annoyance that I couldn't do it. I was pissed and confused about why, exactly I couldnt do it. Cos' i remembered, lastime, I used to never even touching my book before malay exams, and yet i got through with 60+, sometimes even approaching near 70. But the thing was, I didn't mind. I didnt mind get 60 or 65 or 67 or 61 or 62 or 69. I didnt mind. It was good enough for me. I wasnt at all a fan of the subject, just passing was fine with me. But then, I suddenly started studying, cos it was PMB, and I knew i should at least try doing my best. Then I get this downfall. How do you think that feels. Hell, i even ended up buying malay story books to help me improve. And I had to force myself to read the hella boring stories. I had to force myself, to try, and change my perspective; that the subject was unimportant, and that I hated it. Cos im sure every student out there can agree, if you hate a subject, hold so much dislike towards it; you just won't be able to study it successfully.

It was a bllsht time. I just got more and more frustrated and crazy after each term... So, yeah. I was that surprised when I got my PMB results. I was that happy. I was that relieved. Hey, I don't think I even felt that relieved since.

But I guess I can't blame that certain someone anymore, since realising she was never really there. But to the person who was. The person who saw me at my lowest, and shameful moment. Who read my karangan. Who tried and keep my hopes up. And who... texted me after the results announcement, saying, "who said she didn't know malay huh." really made me smile and giggle... and... omg, im actually tearing up right now. HAHA. Unbelievable. But hey, she really is a good friend to me. Even if we're not the closest. HAHA, hey, here she comes chatting on msn. HAHA. Thing is, she has my love, my respect, and my gratitude. I'm glad I have a high spirited friend like her.

I think we've both been struggling with our studies a bit lately. And... weelll, she did see me cry about my chemistry last term. Haha, its like, i grew comfortable crying in front of her or smthg. And i keep doing it. HAHA.

And damn, now she's got me typing out this whole thing, rather than updating like i planned. Lol. And its kinda getting late. 10.26pm.

I was hoping to do a full update. I have lots to mention. To express, or whatever. (At risk of sounding cheezy). HAHA.

YES, I HAVE LOTS TO EXPRESS. FEELINGS TO EXXXPRESS. :D haha, but i guess, maybe not now.

So, just in conclusion; Thursday's 4 period chemistry, was, really, bearable. If not, kinda good. And I did a bit of chemistry today too. Homework. I haven't started properly revising, honestly. But I think I'm getting there. To the right mindset, youknow. To study. Haha. I guess you can say I sort of have high hopes for my finals. My previous Chem mark was 53. Yeah, from 80marks to 68marks to 53marks. Yes. It was a letdown for me. But this was different. Chemistry is different from last year's BM. Last term, I knew I messed up my chemistry. I took up way to much time for my paper 2. I hardly even started my section B, which was 30marks worth. I ending up only getting around 6 marks for it. Thing is, I did studied, hard and stayed up late, as always to finish studying it. Cos I wanted to improve my then 68mark. But then, I actually, sort of did improve. Teacher said getting a 30-above for sectionA was actually, quite good already. And I had achieved a 33. So yeah, it was an encouraging little fact. I know what i gotta do. Just keep studying, and really,really improve my time management. So, yeah, thats how its different from BM. I knew what i did wrong. There were no hopes to shatter.

So with BM final coming up, and me not sure at all whose marking it, (not that it really matters, really, i think) ... i'd be lying if I said I'm not nervous about that. Or that I'm not kinda scare. But really, I'm not saying anything bad about the teacher. She's a good teacher, I used to think she was the best possible. I still think that I guess...

Its just, I can't look her in the eye anymore. I can't and im not really sure why...

Ok, so i think this post really stretched itself long enough. HAHA. What kind of full update is this. HAHA. This is just me blabbering on and on... Well, at least now you know how my mind works. Haha. A mess really. My mind. A big, jumbled up mess.

Well, anyways. I'd like to dedicate (eseh! dedicate HAHA) this post to that friend who was there. Not that I believe she'll be reading this. But I think, people can definitely feel your emotions. Like being around sad people will make you sad. And being around crazy and psychotic people, will, well... make you a psycho too. Hehe.

So, maybe proper update tomorrow. Lol. I keep saying tomorrow, tomorrow tomorrow. But 'tomorrow' never actually comes. Well, I have to properly study anyways, so maybe, its better, for me, if 'tomorrow' never comes.

Teddy, still love you.

with gratitude, respect,

love, inspiration,

and a sprinkle of sadness,

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#younglove; Innocent, carefree & ignorant of the reality that deep down... people suck.
Beyonce is pregnant. If I hear another prophecy about a baby being born in July I know who I'm going after...
Taylor Swift & men #badcombo
I won't comment on 'Whip My Hair' b/c I can't get over Will naming his daughter Willow. All I can think is 'Whomping Willow'. Whomp. Whomp.

These made me LoL-ed today. :D

http://twitter.com/Lord_Voldemort7

Labels: dedication to ldy haha.

Sunday, October 24, 2010,9:47 PM | comment | 0 comment(s)