A Little bit of Truth.
Tell me something.Tell me how you feel. What you want. Who you are. How you feel about people. What kind of people you wanna get to know. What kind of person are you. How you feel about... a certain person. Whether thoughts in your head about this certain person, are all admirable. All good. Whether you actually wanna get closer to this person, and maybe even... be friends.Tell me something thats real. Existant. True. 'Cos I'm not a toy, and i rather not be, even if it's gonna be your own, personal toy. I'm just not.The thing is, I'm confused. But then kind of happy, and flattered. And giddy and gleeful. All at the same time.However the other thing is, I don't think that I truly care, to be honest. I can't, really. I can't care about these kind of things any more. 'Cos you see, I lost a heart the day he left, and I can't get it back or have a new replacement. One body, one heart, I guess. The Rule. No refunds or exchanges.I know I might melt over you or go kinda crazy-ish over you... but even I don't believe myself, when i say, "Hey, I think I kinda like that guy."Its just a crush, really. Maybe not even a serious crush. Just...something even lesser. Mere admiration, maybe? I duno. I think, its just a tiny feeling.So... the situation I am in now. Well, i guess I would love to explain, but I don't really know how.Let's just say this; I used to be extreme-ly-ly insecure. I used to think it was one certain thing that made me pretty, like hair, or clothes or whatever. When I hear things, like things about admirers, etc, if it's of other people's, I would get jealous, if its of me, I would think someone was making fun of me. And then I'll go into self hatred mode. And start over thinking everything. Everything. I never could believe... anything like that could involve me. I only used to dream. You know, every young girl has the liberty to dream, no?But then, I became better, I guess you can say. I'm not saying I'm a confident btch or anything like that. In fact, I'm far, far from that. But when I say that I'm better now, what I'm trying to say is, I actually have some kind of belief in myself. Less self hatred.And yes, I said 'less' not 'none.'Things still get unbearable at times. Most of the times. What can I do, right?I duno. I guess hearing sweet things from people over the years helped. But that was years, like 3 or 4 years. And its only 'helped' not 'cured.'But to get to the point, I'm a lot better of a person, in the sense of being comfortable with myself than I was... hell, even 10 months ago. I duno, really. Maybe being a senior at school adds confidence? Maybe having more friends, made me feel more wanted? But then again, there still are those bloody days when things are absolute shit.So... i guess thats a little tale, about me. I'm not sure why I'm suddenly saying this now. Today. Nothing happened today, really. But, i guess... remember how I've mentioned I have my own personal blog in my brain? Yeah, the little voice inside my head. Deelilvoice. (Haha)Well, you see, i blog ALL THE TIME. Just, not here. Not where anyone can read. More of in my brain, talking to myself. Like a psycho, maybe. Haha, well, i guess everyone's a bit mental.I've always made plans to blog more here tho. I guess i want some one to hear. I guess i dont wanna hide, too much things.Well, anyho, there are very little people who would read this anyways. Just people who ever cared, from the beginning, or random people who stumble upon my blog maybe. But I dont think i really care whether anyone reads this. I dont think I'm making any sense. 'Cos im going from one topic, to another, to another, and then to a whole another different one.Once again, i duno why im doing this now. Its 11.31 pm, on a Tuesday. I've got a Biology test tomorrow, first thing in the morning. And i havent even touched my book today. Hah, so much for getting my sleeping habit in check.Well, anyways, I think I'll blog tomorrow. I think.But this is it for now.Oh, and HB you!Oh, and teddy, im still waiting.
with indifference,
M.
Labels: a little bit of truth.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010,10:56 PM |
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